My liver just broke up with me...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
