At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize