I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
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