Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The air was thick with penises
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
