I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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