I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
