I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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