So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
