How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
