just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
