Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
