Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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