well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
