I faked an abortion last night.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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