K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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