I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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