ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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