Cold hands, warm shart.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
