Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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