he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
