Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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