There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
