I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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