Define "chronic" masturbator.
I wish I only lived at night.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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