he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
