Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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