I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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