my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
