***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
as a side note pls kill me
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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