I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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