i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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