Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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