someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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