Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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