i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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