I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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