he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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