Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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