I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
