id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
