i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
