I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize