3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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