You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
