i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
