you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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