Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
