I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
