he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
