I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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