I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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