great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
