Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
