Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
