I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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