I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
