Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
