Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
