she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
