2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
