I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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